Further Frivolity

Escape from Randall's Island

2011-12-18T18:42:00.001-08:00

To begin this story I have to go back to last year when I was visiting NYC in the fall. Chad Allred and I decided to spend a lovely Saturday visiting Roosevelt Island, located in the East River between Manhattan and Queens. We swiped our subway cards and made our descent to the subway flat which would take us under the East River to our destination. On the way Chad asked me, "Have you ever seen Shutter Island?" I replied that I had not and he briefed me on the plot involving a US Marshall investigating an island, home to a prison for the criminally insane. Maybe it was the deep, sinister tones of the story, the descent into the bowels of the subway system, or simply my inability to stomache sinister story lines that led me to wide-eyed worry, but by the time we re-emerged on Roosevelt Island, I had the feeling something was wrong. Just as we stepped out of the subway terminal, we found ourselves surrounded by amputees pan-handling for spare change. To properly express my feelings, I have provided a graph below.

As you can tell, there comes a point where a lacking of limbs no longer produces greater sympathy within me. This is usually the point where I am so terrified that I completely surpass compassion and go straight to fear. I believe at this point I turned to Chad and said, "Why do I feel like something evil took place on this island many years ago...and that we shouldn't be here." Needless to say I was terrified.

Fast forward to last week...

After purchasing bell peppers, hummus, and a slew of fashion magazines, my good friend Ashley Sadler and I were on our way to meet up with a couple other girls (Karen Zelnick and Kim Blatter) to watch our friends play in an intramural football tournament on Randall's Island. Randall's island is another island in the East river, just north of Roosevelt Island, so you can be sure good times will ensue!

On the way to Randall's, I told Ashley about my experience with Chad last year. The cabby didn't know where we were going, and frankly neither did we, but once we spotted the field and realized we were driving down a dead-end, we told him to drop us off. The football field was on the other side of a chain link fence so while Ashley paid the cab driver, I glanced around for an opening in the fence. As the cab turned around in the dead end, I noted a shady looking man walking towards us from an ally. I grabbed Ashley and we began walking the other way. As the cabby passed us, he rolled down the window and said, "Hey girls, keep walking this direction, there's a guy back there that looks up to no good". We thanks him and continued on.

We walked north along the east side of the fence until we passed the field and found an open gate just 30 feet north of the field. Twenty yards in front of us was another drunken looking man and I remember thinking, "Are we being herded?" But seeing the opening in the fence I shrugged it off and turned left. We were now walking along the north side of the football field fence still looking for another opening. Around this point Ashley and I started joking (nervously) about the crazy men we had just witnessed. The fence seemed to go on forever and began bending to the right pulling us away from the field. We were walking in between trees, by old buildings, all while walking further and further away from our destination. amongst the crunchy leaves under our feet, I found the soul of a rubber boot. While Ashley was asking me if I thought the buildings around us looked a little run down, I thought, "Yes....yes....someone died here. This is their shoe. There is a dead body under my feet right now I just know it."

Just then I heard a door creak open and as I was about to scream and run I heard Ashley say, "Can you help us get to the field?" Wide-eyed and incredulous, I looked at Ashley wondering why she would admit to this man standing in the doorway that we were lost. Then I noticed his name-tag and realized he must know how to get us out. My frustration shifted instantly to admiration and I mentally shook hands with Ashley for her actions. However the man replied that he had no idea what we were talking about...I mentally flipped this guy off...

As we made our way we saw two men taking pictures of each other in some sort of a courtyard. I considered asking them for directions but when one of them started making kissy faces at us and the other one referred to me as Angel, I was OUT OF THERE! At this point I remembered that Randall's Island was actually two island's at one point: Ward's and Randall's. Ward's island received it's name because it is the home of the Manhattan Psychiatric Center. The two islands were connected years ago by a land fill. So naturally Ashley and I have wandered into the complex.

The fence turned again and was leading us the complete opposite direction of the field by this point. We hit a dead end and beginning to feel the ever increasing sting of fear, decided to turn around. Just as we did we saw a stalky looking woman darting straight for us. She was slightly out of breathe as she was yelling, "What are you girls doing here? You are trespassing!" Keep in mind that when I get nervous and uncomfortable, I tend to giggle uncontrollably. Ashley responded, "We don't know where we are; we'd be happy to leave if you would help us get out." Meanwhile, I'm smiling like an absolute idiot; chuckling even harder as I think about how it must look for two blond girls from the Upper West Side, to be wandering through the trees carrying bell peppers, hummus, and Harper's Bazaar. The lady asked us, "How did you even get in here?" and just as Ashley explains how the gate in the fence was open, this lady screams to another guy 30 feet away, "Michael! WE HAVE A GATE OPEN!!" I almost screamed with laughter.

And then...no lie...this lady says this to us...

"When you come to the Island, never go through open gates. We didn't know you girls were in here. You could have been assaulted and we wouldn't have even known. You need to go to the police station so they can escort you to he field. This is no place for you girls."

For real? "When you cooooome to theeee IIIIIIIIIIIsland"? OK listen up troll-woman! Don't speak to me like I should have known the ins-and-outs of Randall's island. Just get me out!!! I thought I was going to watch a football tournament Kennedy's style complete with pretentious East Coast dress attire, sweaty men, and frivolous conversation on the side-lines while I pretend to care about our team and secretly check out the QB on the other field. I didn't think I was hansel and gretel-ing it to the witches house! What am I doing here? Why do I feel like I'm losing my mind? Why don't peppers and hummus do as well as bread crumbs when you leave them on a trail?

As we walk come to the doors at the front of the complex, this guy leans out to me and says in the creepiest voice, "Hope you ladies enjoyed your tour".

Long story short we make it to the police station and finally managed it to the field. We busted out Vogue, checked out our man 'Q' on the other team, and got to work. But I think it will be a VERY long time before I take another trip to another island off the coast of Manhattan.

does BYU have a crew team?

2010-09-29T20:17:00.000-07:00

So this fall I made BYUSingers, and I'm SUPER JAZZED! However, I recognize I have a lot to work on so I have recently taken up voice lessons with my old voice teacher from a few years ago. She has recently moved so she gave me her new address. When I went to googlemaps to get directions to her house, I put the starting location as BYU. Well Googlemaps decided that meant BYU Hawaii, not Provo...and NO lie this is what it returned to me for directions!

In case you didn't quite catch that....here it is again...up close

Thank you googlemaps for making my day! Maybe when I'm filthy rich and successful with a consulting job I can take whatever conundrum i'm faced with and approach it the same way as the googlemaps employee who solved this brain buster....with dry sarcasm and a tinge of incredulity regarding the question asked.

If a client asks me how to turn their company around so its profitable again I can say something like "Well, you can start by giving your self a raise and a big bowl of candy!....Actually though, you should probably just fire yourself" and when they look at me in a puzzled fashion I can say, "Seriously? you don't see the main problem?...time to resign brother"

Thanks Googlemaps employee for your refreshing bout of sarcasm.
Conclusion: don't try to figuratively cross the Pacific in an automobile...even technology will laugh at you.

People People

2010-08-15T20:30:00.000-07:00

Why are some people just SO entertaining? I could sit here and talk about all the funny things I've seen happen in New York City this summer....but I digress and pass it off to this video to do the job for me :)

More than that.......who autotunes these videos? I want to meet them :)

Questions...

2010-05-19T23:06:00.000-07:00

These are some of the things I was wondering today

1. Do you burn more calories walking in heels than in flats?
2. Does driving stick burn more calories?
3. Does thinking burn more calories? because I feel cheated if it doesn't
4. When will they invent calorie free pizza?

--> thank you

Liabilities + Equity = Lamour!

2010-04-13T16:06:00.000-07:00

This semester has been the busiest semester of all my college years. Not because it was particularly packed...but because my goals for the semester increased. This semester I spent probably half of my weekend nights in the MAcc lounge on the third floor of the tanner building studying accounting concepts. However, I realized one small hitch in my plan this last month, that finally came to fruition today. Allow me to explain...

After choir on Fridays, the back row alto I section (Holli, Lindy, and Lauren) and I would go to the BYU bookstore and get fudge. I realized a few Fridays ago that something in me changed when upon taking my first bite of fudge (that week) I exclaimed, "And then I realized, with enough money and fudge I'll never need a man!"

I felt so enormously independent. It was a fabulous feeling! Instead of feeling excited to see a new love interest, I couldn't wait to see New York again. Instead of basking in the adoration of a boyfriend, I was glorying in the new earned respect I'd received from my male co-eds of the business school, and despite being undeniably single...I quite frankly had grown so accustom to spending time with my text books...that my initial contentedness in my own solitude blossomed into a deeper love for how little my text books ever talked back to me/was late for dates/started fights/WHAT HAVE YOU!

...I also found that I LOVED Star Wars and playing World of Warcraft...JUST KIDDING, I already knew I loved Star Wars...

I felt like Renee Zellweger in "Down with Love" when she publishes a book telling women to be 'Down with Love', to take control of their lives, and most of all...replace the need for a man with eating chocolate. Hmmm...I had done just this and this was a done deal!
Reveling in my new found independence, I felt unstoppable...until the unthinkable happened! I realized I was in love...

.....With ACCOUNTING!!

Upon leaving class today (the last day of classes before finals) I had this weird sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach. I thought, "Oh no mags, you don't need to feel like that THIS time...While you may have had a breakup the LAST THREE sets of winter semester finals...You don't have a boyfriend, so you couldn't possibly...." But I was! I was going through a break up!

In the last two weeks, as school has been wrapping up, I have found myself doing uncustomary things. I watched, "An Affair to remember", "Casablanca", "Pride & Prejudice" (1940's version), "How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days", and I was thoroughly disappointed when I couldn't locate "Sleepless in Seattle" the other day. I think my consumption of ice cream increased, and if there was a can of whip cream in my fridge I probably would have gladly squirted it all into my mouth and set it down next to the Kleenex box as I lay there on the couch. Most telling of all is probably this...I wore SCRUBS yesterday! Ok I wore a hoody to bed...but for those 2 hours before I fell asleep I felt as if I'd truly let myself go.

...Maybe if I date enough this summer I can convince myself I don't need accounting?

Expansion-"Strategery" for every Successful Company

2010-03-20T13:50:00.001-07:00

A new blog post will be up shortly...until then, feel free to check out my other blog...

"Can We Talk About"

This week I won and Oscar

2010-03-11T11:02:00.000-08:00

In honor of the Oscars...which I didn't watch by the way...I thought I would inform all of you that I won an Oscar this last week for this short film I did for one of my accounting class. We had problems the last 24 hours with youtube taking it down for my 'copyrighted soundtrack'....oops! but I changed some songs and hopefully this one stays up..in the process it keeps putting the sound from the last scene out of sync...but after hours of editing I decided to let it go.

In our movie we discuss the benefits of outsourcing the internal audit function

(don't worry...in the 9:52 there is only about 30 seconds of educational material. the rest of it is chalk full of sheer cinematic excellence!)

This is probably the best movie I have ever made. My favorite part is when I beet up people in DI while wearing a wedding dress...or when Jon dresses up a dweeb...or maybe when Southcott tackles people in his Lacrosse gear.

GET EXCITED!

(Be sure to rate it since we get a higher grade the more ratings we get!)

My cardboard cut out is dating the cardboard cut out of Clark Gable in Hollywood Video...

2010-03-04T15:41:00.001-08:00

Thanks to my confidence in giving dating advice, as expressed by previous posts, I have become somewhat of a 'dating guru', if you will. I don't know how to take this...at first I was totally flattered and honored. But then I realized that recognition is only as valuable as the people giving it to you. While I do love all of you, my fellow blog followers, I am forced to ask the question, "Have you not realized that I am undeniably single?" This fact should discredit me from the start because this is, in essence, a situation commonly referred to as...

"The Blind leading the Blind"

But no worries my friends, I've decided that I should take my responsibility as 'love guru' about as seriously as you all take my blog posts dripping in sarcasm. That said I have no problem asserting my opinion as undeniable fact, and leading even more of you to years of loneliness.

Ok, So continuing on from my 2nd latest blog post, "Honey I'm on Holiday"....after improving your product offering, advertising becomes key. Apparently the rest of my fellow women's chorus council members thought this too when our conductor Sister Applonie said to me one day, "Now Maggie....we have a great idea for publicity...I personally love it...I think you will too...Well...actually....I don't know....you might throw punches....but...We need...a Life-sized....cardboard cutout.... of you...in the bookstore!"

Turns out they wanted to advertise our upcoming concert March 13th...not my dating life...but I knew both would happen and I love efficiency.

Here are some of Natalie and my favorite pictures we took that night.

We Finally settled on this one. . .(The black spot is where the poster is) We decided, demographically speaking, that 5'9'' was a better height for me so this is actually 2 inches shorter than me.

I have to admit, even though all of BYU now gets to check me out in my oh-so-stylish women's chorus uniform...I have developed a new favorite past-time called, "Let's walk through the bookstore and see how many weird looks I can get". It pretty much consists of me standing in an isle next to my cardboard cut out, smiling at people, and seeing how many people almost say hi to me or get really embarrassed like they should know me...but can't remember where we met...then realize they just saw 'me' four seconds and 15 feet ago.

In closing, our Women's Chorus concert is going to FABULOUS! and everyone should come...because it will change your life. one time while passing out fliers I saw a guy with a broken leg and Lauren said to me, "I'm gonna go up to that guy, hand him a flier and say, "This concert will HEAL YOUR LEG!"

While my cardboard cut out may not help me get a date (But then again, BYU guys are into girls in velvety sparkly tops these days)...I figured I owed it to those of you who actually listen to me to provide you with a fabulous date night. I know, I'm so selfless :)

If your single...bring a date, and the girl will look at you at the end of the night and say, 'Ooo You're so classy taking me to a Women's Chorus concert!" and if she doesn't? Problem solved! you just witnessed 180 girls...serenading...YOU!

If you're married...why not surprise your wife with, "Two tickets to that thing she loves!" (Though I can't promise the tickets will turn into diamonds)

-See you there my friends!
http://womenschorus.com

Buy tickets: https://www.vendini.com/ticket-software.html?t=tix&e=75d9376cd74116dc90c192cec46211e8&rmid=4b54533c7af897a126667a57f6d479f8

BYU Women's Chorus from BYUarts on Vimeo.

Who needs Cupid when Narcissus can be your Valentine?

2010-02-14T18:17:00.000-08:00

This was the best valentine's day EVER because I got these roses...

Wait....

No, that's not right. I got those LAST valentines day...

What did I do THIS valentine's day?

Oh yeah I remember now!

~~~~~~~~~

I went and had a romantic evening at this gazebo over looking Provo with my boyfriend!

CRAP! that was TWO years ago...

For the life of me I can't remember why this was such an awesome valentine's day...

Oh yeah I remember....

Allow me to walk you through my valentine's week proceedings...

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
My mom sends me cards for every holiday. She's usually pretty good about being on time. In fact, I don't think she's ever been late by more than a day! Which is pretty good considering it's my 4th year in college.

My mom is prompt...my valentine's day card showed up in JANUARY!

I LOVE HER! I'm so glad this came early because I got to spend the previous 16 days in the company of this good man!

FALSE! included in my card was a gift card to Olive Garden with the condition: "Just don't take the guy on the front of this card"

So Lauren Johns and I had a lovely romantic dinner at Olive Garden this weekend...and by romantic I mean we sat at the bar because for being - as Joel McHale calls it - The worst thing to happen to Italian Americans since the Mafia and 'Jersey Shore', Olive Garden is PACKED on weekends!

We discussed our top reasons why it's awesome to be single on valentine's day...

(1) I get to the ENTIRE box of See's Candy my grandpa sent me. . .and this is the gift that keeps giving because now that i've successfully ingested 5,000 calories. . .odd are I'll be single this time next year.

(2) Instead of wondering for the 2 weeks leading up to Valentine's day, "Are we dating? Do i need to get him something for V-day?" I curled up with the thought of the man on my card...Mmmmm....STEAMY!!

(3) Since V-Day was on a Sunday this year...many people in Provo celebrated on Saturday...
I, however, wore sweats ALL DAY!

(4) I don't have to look at my boyfriend's swollen eyes as he looks at me on the verge of tears as I explain to him that I forgot valentine's day!

(5) I realized this year that sometimes when I'm talking to someone and there's a mirror behind their head...I watch myself talk...Or if I'm walking down the Tanner Building stairs...I look at my reflection in the little mirrored panels...Or if i'm window shopping....I'm really not looking in the window...I'm staring at my reflection. Sound familiar?

check out the story of Narcissus in case you forgot the story from Greek mythology.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Narcissus_
%28mythology%29

Sure Narcissus was cursed to fall in love with his own reflection in the river...YEAH, he died there too.

BUT HE DIED HAPPY!

So quite frankly, I think hanging out with myself on Valentine's day is the Shizz.

Long story short...as VH1 would say, "I'm having the BEST WEEK EVER" because I spent it with girlfriends, the dude on my card, and quite honestly....myself :)

~~I HOPE YOU ALL LOVE YOURSELF AS MUCH AS I LOVE MYSELF...BECAUSE IF YOU DO...CONGRATULATIONS, YOU HAD A HOT. . .HAUT. . .VALENTINE'S DAY!!!

Honey I'm on Holiday

2010-01-14T11:05:00.000-08:00

One time this summer I called my good friends Mike Folsom and Cameron Earl. Mike asked me, "Maggie you're back in Phx now right?" To which I responded..."Only for a week then i'm back at BYU for school."

The rest of the conversation went something like this...
Mike: "Maggie...why do you tease?"
Me: "Oh Mike I only aim to please!"
Mike: "First you're here, then in Utah, then you run off to New York! Why do you do this?"

(And this is when genius struck me)

Me: "To keep supply low and market price high for my dating stock dearest Folsom. I don't want to flood the market...so if I just leave town here and there, snag the occasional boyfriend here and there, and remain relatively unavailable...then every time I come back to town it's like re-entering the market. Every welcome home should be like an IPO!"

I was joking when I said this...but then I started thinking...THIS IS TRUE!

First let's discuss the supply and demand curve.....here it is.....
As you can see, the y axis is price and the x axis is the quantity. The supply curve explains that as price increases, suppliers are willing to supply a greater quantity...but the demand curve operates in the opposite, when the price decreases more people are willing to buy. An efficient market operates at the equilibrium point where suppliers and demanders agree upon price and quantity.

So how does this apply to dating? Well first of all we need to adjust the supply curve...because there is only one of you...so you can really only provide one quantity...and to be honest the idea of supplying more of yourself with an increase in price is verging on prostitution (but maybe that's just my opinion...I am, in fact, watching Moulin Rouge at the moment).

So here we have the supply and demand curve of dating with a vertical supply curve...I have appropriately marked equilibrium as you can tell.Here equilibrium is relatively low...Think of price as the quality of men in your life. So at this point the men in your life are less than impressive.

That's ok! because thanks to modern economic theory...there IS such thing as a shift in the supply curve. Now there may be only one of you...but you can make yourself somewhat more 'elusive' as it were. This is what Mike was referring to when he asked me why i was always gone. By limiting supply you can sufficiently shift the supply curve to the left, raising the price at which equilibrium occurs!The next shift is slightly harder to achieve, however, and requires a little more time and investment. A shift in the demand curve, in economic theory, raises the price at which a consumer would be willing to pay for a commodity at any given quantity. Or....in this case...luck you! you can now expect equilibrium (or Lamour) to occur at a higher price (aka with better quality of men).
So how do you make this happen? Easy, improve the quality of your offering. . .education, life experience, musical talent, what have you....

The point is, you're in control of your dating equilibrium....Which is why I've currently decided to take time out of dating. . .decrease my face time (creating a supply shift) in the dating market...focus on school/my internship this summer in New York City (creating a shift in the demand curve)...and come back in August to a better dating market. . .aka better men.

Taking control of your love life is easy...which is why I'm encouraging every girl currently disappointed with her love life to say...

"Honey, I'm on Holiday!"

"Maggie, you can make more money by saying "I do" than you can by working your whole life" - Parker Moffat

2009-12-27T00:15:00.000-08:00

This Christmas I was talking to my dear friend Parker Moffat who has been known to provide good advice. He's like my own personal life coach. He provides me with insight to life. When I came back from New York one time, I mentioned that I had dinner with a guy I'd met at Grand Central Station....to which Parker so morally/sarcastically responded, "Did you sleep with him?" "NO! obviously not!" I replied. Then Parker imparted upon me this little gem of knowledge, "Mags, hasn't anyone ever told you? You're not gonna get anywhere in life until you start sleeping around"

For those of you unfamiliar with Parker....he was kidding! However, I don't think he was kidding two nights ago when he told me, "Mags, you can make more money saying 'I do' than you can in a lifetime of working!"

The other week my 'Dearest McKay' was informing me that he had given his sister Jordan similar advice recently.

Clearly my sister Kate and her husband Geoff had the same thought when they picked this little trinket up for me. Merry Christmas Mags!!!

To fully appreciate this piggy bank, allow me to explain to you what it says...

-On the fine print, the woman in the red dress is saying, "Are you sexually attracted to money?

-The top of the tin, where the opening is, says, "Dream Big"

-And the back of the tin says this...

"Of course you can't go out and buy a man. But, darling, you can certainly go out and buy the trappings to attract one. A rich husband is the best investment you'll ever make, but don't fool yourself - it's going to cost an arm and a leg to get him so you'd better start savin' up. And you'd better get to work

"First step? Dust yourself off. Get your hair styled. Get a manicure. Then splurge and pick out a fabulously flattering wardrobe. Don't forget finishing school, language lessons, and a membership at the best country club...where your chances are sky high to find true love.

"A life of monogrammed sheets, chauffeur-driven cars, pool staff, private jets, and passion awaits you. Why don't you make today the first day of the rest of your life?

"Happy Husband Hunting!"

---Merry Christmas to all...and to all a rich husband!

Dee Snider is a better investment

2009-12-24T21:15:00.000-08:00

This last December 1st....was my birthday. In case you forgot (Though odds are you had three notifications 1. facebook, 2. your phone calendar, 3. your impeccable memory which allows you to remember the birthdays of your favorite people) I turned 21 this month. So to celebrate, I had a fabulous Tuesday, filled with friends and family birthday wishes. That Friday at my apartment was the 1988 themed (great year to be born!) dance party.

I thought about buying wine...and cooking with it...until all the alcohol burned out. Then I remembered that I hate cooking...so that was a terrible idea. So the only thing left to do was to go to Vegas with Joscelyn after finals to celebrate my legality. Before this could take place, however, I first had to complete finals. Jo and I told our friend Mike in Las Vegas that we would be down visiting so he decided to look up some shows for us to see. Three days before our trip Mike texts me, "Wanna go see Twisted Sister's Christmas Concert - A Twised Christmas"

What? Mike NO, I DO NOT want to see that creepy guy prance around in tights and makeup singing my favorite Christmas songs!

........OR DO I?

"Uh....YEAH MIKE! I totally want to see Twisted Sister!"

Thursday morning (the 17th) I completed my last final and was on my way to return my books to the BYU bookstore to see if they had any fun sized snickers bars for me as they tell me, "We're not buying this one back this year" aka. they came out with the 9th edition...which is exactly the same as the 8th edition except for the new pictures on pg. 354, 267, and 874. Of course!

Well, expecting to received a significantly low return on my books, I brace myself for bad news...but nothing could have prepared me for THIS! I spent just a little over $400 this semester on books. . .and my return?

. . .
. . .
. . .
. . .
$5.50!!!!!!!!!!!!!

You might be asking yourself, "Maggie? how did you cope with this?"

EASY! i went to Vegas, and gambled ALL of it in hopes of proving that I could lose less money gambling than I could buying books from the bookstore!

----------------------
Joscelyn picked me up (snickers bar in hand) outside the Wilk Center and we departed for Vegas!

Can we take a moment to talk about this guy? I'm pretty sure I'm in love with Twisted Sister.

And by the way, I figured out why Twisted Sister was so successful during my 2 hours stay at the Hilton theater in Las Vegas. I learned in my marketing class this last semester that people buy products to fulfill a certain need.

What does every adolescent boy and girl want? to feel important! Solution-Every high school boy looks at Dee Snider and thinks, "Well my girlfriend might look horrible without make up, but she's better looking with it on than He is...so I must have done something right." Additionally, I'm looking at Dee thinking, "That journalist from London WAS right! He DOES look like Sarah Jessica Parker dipped in a vat of acid! Wow, comparatively I feel REALLY HOT right now!"

This is me and Jo having the time of our lives at Twisted Sister....along with all the other 40 year olds in leather jackets and fishnets.

On our way out I gambled $1 on slots and $5 on black jack. (It's hard to gamble $5.50, so I rounded up) I walked away with ......... $5!!!!!

In conclusion
I lost 98.6% of my initial investment at the BYU bookstore
I lost 16.6% of my initial investment gambling in Vegas

--> Books at the Bookstore are the WORST investment of my life!

Mango Sorbet can be better than Men

2009-11-15T19:44:00.000-08:00

I'm sorry it has been so long since my last post! I have had several complaints lately that I have not updated my blog. Truth is...I have about 4 posts in the making. none of them are finished yet. so expect great things!

However, today I had an epiphany. You know one of those rare moments when I find sense in the jumbled crap that goes on in my head. So my Epiphany! I was thinking this morning about hedging risk and financial derivatives etc. the usual thoughts of an accounting major moving to New York to work in financial services auditing, and I realized something. I have been hedging risk since I turned 16! This is the how and why...

I realized I have a nac for making guys feel extremely awkward. The following doorstep scene is not an entirely uncommon occurrence...

Him: "Well, have a good night, thanks for coming with me tonight"

Me: "Oh of course, it was fun!"

(Insert awkward silence where he looks like he's going to kiss me)

(Insert bubble caption of how I feel (this is a comic book scene I'm describing apparently)

-It's around this time he decides to kiss me

-It's also about this time where I allow myself to express my deepest inner thoughts.

Me: "Every year I try to hold off getting excited for Christmas...this year I made it to February...so the fact that it's October and I'm secretly listening to Christmas music in my room late at night is really a huge success for me don't you think?"

Him: "That's amazing Maggie Ward...are we seriously talking about this right NOW?"

-This part is now followed by the two week silence of my phone representative of him never calling me again.

***In short***
My first kiss I kept laughing because I was uncomfortable and then I walked inside my house and locked the guy outside without saying anything. (He, surprisingly, did call me back however). My point is this...I LOVE Mango Sorbet! Solution! Hedge your dating risk with Mango sorbet!

Example:
Me: "What do you think the likelihood ____ is going to ask me out again?"

Joscelyn/Calli/Traci: "Pretty good"

Me: "Can you quantify that please?"

J/C/T: "umm...85%?" (Joscelyn now gives me a standard deviation too-she understands me)

Me: "Oh that's pretty high. So you wanna bet on it? If he takes me out again I'll buy you Mango sorbet, but if he doesn't you owe me."

J/C /T: "Why do you always bet against yourself?"

Me: "Because this way if he never calls me again I still get sorbet out of it"

DO I REALLY DO THIS? YOU BET I DO!

Long and short:
1) I was made to work with Financial instruments
2) I like to quantify my dating life
3) I love Mango Sorbet
4) If you happen to work in finance, find my awkward quirks charming, and would like to bring me some mango sorbet...I may just marry you.

This is the worst fairy tale ever!

2009-10-09T19:28:00.000-07:00

Every girl dreams of growing up and living a fairy tale life. In the mind of every five year old, she truly believes she will grow up, become a princess, have beautiful flowing hair, wear amazing designer ball gowns (ok maybe the designer part is an adaptation as i have grown up), speak squirrel/have forest animal friends, meet a handsome prince (not to mention usually silent-have you ever noticed this? coincidence? I think not. I am convinced half of my relationships would have lasted much longer if he'd just kept his mouth shut more often-except, of course, when singing about how much he adores me), live in a mansion, and live happily ever after.

Upon entering my new apartment this fall I stumbled upon this little trinket of furniture...Someone please explain to me what this is? Joscelyn walked in my room shortly after arriving and asked me, "Maggie..what is that?" I thought for a short time before a childhood memory came to me and horror flashed across my face. I responded, "I'm not entirely sure of its name...but I'm almost certain that if I use it...Rumpelstiltsken will come after me!" Don't remember that story? Here's a refresher course.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Rumpelstiltskin

I find myself currious as I begin to think about what he must be like. Will I be breaking honor code if he lives here? But I feel like the possibility of a medeival dwarf dwelling in my apartment is kinda rad.

-"Maggie is that a hairless dog or just an oversized rat?"

-"Oh neither, just Rumpelstiltsken my house gnome. Sometimes we dress him up for seasons you know? like Christmas time we'll probably put him out on our balcony as a midget Santa or something. During Halloween we like to dress him up as a miniature Satan and he growls at little kids and chases them around the block. Then he brings back their candy...and it's a smorgasbord for the next three weeks. He's funny like that. Every so often he cleans my room and does my homework for me too. We're pretty much besties. I think next week I might get him a cute little pink cable knit sweater from J.Crew and carry him around in my purse. We try to coordinate outfits as much as possible."

My daydreaming is cut short, however, as I arrive to purchase my accounting books later that week. I think back to 4 months prior...when I was returning my old accounting books. I should rephrase that. I wasn't returning my books...I was dragging my books to the bookstore so they could tell me they'd "Filled their quota on THAT ONE!" oh and "THAT ONE"...but..."Here's a fun-size Snickers bar with a thick chocolate coating to line your esophagus as you try to swallow the fact that four months ago you didn't purchase text books...you purchased the most expensive snickers bar of your life. And now you're out $400...but you get to keep your outdated Finance book! (enter cheesy, neck straining smile of fake tanned, bump-it haired, bad bottle blonde, bookstore employee here)" I love BYU!

I walk the long long isles of the bookstore and the glean off the lenolium flooring is making me nauseated. I grab my books and head to get in line. As I approach the counter, each beep from the scanner feels like a stab wound. Afforementioned bookstore employee (who I've missed so much this entire summer) perks up and says, "That'll be $524.93!" I'm not sure...but I think Rumpelstiltsken is a Manager at the book store because I swear she just asked me to sign away my first born son! What has happened to BYU? No wonder they want everyone here to get married? Maybe if I don't get married until I live far, far away, Rumpy will never come to collect. I pay for my books and drag my books out of the bookstore.

As I leave I find I have a new found resolve to never get married at BYU...

....and two pens I stole out of the cup holder after signing my receipt.

Hidden Mickeys and Jane Austen

2009-08-29T22:21:00.000-07:00

After cheating death aka not dying on the bathroom floor at the luxurious del sol motel...I realized it was fate that brought my to Disneyland with my fellow EFY counselors.

But truth is, after about 2 hours of 'staying with the group' Mckay and I (co's week 9) decided to venture off on our own. shortly there after we were joined by Breanna (co's week 8) and Jared (co's week 10). In our little group of glee we began to experience Disneyland the way it was meant to be experienced...without 61 other EFY counselors singing disney songs in an hour long line.
But then something else struck a nerve!!!
What do you get when you cross 65 EFY counselors and Disneyland? Hidden mickeys!! If you don't believe me there's a mathematical proof I can show you to prove it...here it is...

Can't see it? That's because it's HIDDEN! like all the mickeys in Disneyland-after all it is a magical place. but if you still don't beleive me...with the help of Jane Austen I would like to explain to you legend of 'hidden mickeys'

"IT is a truth universally acknowledged, that a single efy counselor in possession of ample time must be in want of excitement.

However little known the truth or actuality of such a destination on first entering a fantasyland, this desire is so well fixed in the minds of the counselors, that Disneyland is considered as the rightful property of some one or other of their imaginations.

``My dear co-counselor,'' said his COW(crush of the week) to him one day, ``have you heard that on every ride at Disneyland, there are Hidden Mickey shapes?''

The Co-counselor replied that he had not.

``But it is true,'' returned she; ``for Eric D Stokes has just been here, and he told me all about it.''

The Co-counselor made no answer. (as she had been his COW three weeks prior and had now moved onto greener pastures)

``Do not you want to know where they are?'' cried the girl impatiently.

``You want to tell me, and I have no objection to hearing it.''

This was invitation enough. (But he 'should have said no' -regrets to Taylo Swift)

-Jane Austen (opening of Pride and Prejudice. 'bold' additions/improvements made by maggie ward)

*YES! there is a Hidden Mickey in Pirates-as you pass the stone wall where the pirates are shooting cannons, there is a hole in the wall in the shape of a mickey head.

*YES! there is also a Hidden Mickey in Pirates-when you pass the room with all the 'booty', a gold chest plate has a tiny mickey head in the center.

*YES! many of the other ones I heard that week were made up!

But it you can't beat them...join them. and this is exactly what the four of us did!

1) Did you know the Yetti from the Matterhorn yells 'Mickey is Tasty' in Finnish? (yes, I DID get a picture of this creature after my 5th ride).

2) Did you know that hidden mickeys are like cupids? and their very presence can evoke lustful emotions even on rides like 'Tower of Terror?' It's so powerful it even overcame Jared and Breanna who were supposed to be on 'passion patrol'

3) I bet you never would have caught this one! We can all thank Mckay for this gem. I almost passed this up.

4) You might be wondering...'why is this guy riding by himself?' He's not...Mickey is sitting next to him. Mckay and I are honoring his arrival as you can tell.

5) On Thursday Mckay and I took off for the beach. He fell asleep in this cumbersome bodily orientation (i tried to make my description of his position as awkward as the moment when I took this picture...did it work?) But he didn't roll over into this position on accident...oh no! He's just spooning with a hidden mickey.

6) At the conclusion of every evening... we wound down at Denny's. It appears nothing is out of mickey's sphere of influence.

7) This was a rather frightening one. While riding Big Thunder Mountain RailRoad...Mckay and I noted something odd about all the bird in the park. Did you know that Walt Disney was so OCD that he genetically engineered every bird to crap mickeys?! True story, ask Mckay it almost landed on his head.

8) I found this one! Took a keen eye to catch this beauty!

9) Jared noted that on California Soarin' the Fighter Jet's at the end....their exhaust? oh yeah...it spells Mickey...in BRAIL!

10) Finally, on Space mountain the speakers are hidden mickeys! not because of their shape. oh no! because if you play the song backwards whilst wearing peter pan tights and an Indiana Jones hat...it says 'mickey, mickey, mickey'!" Thank you again Jared Anderson

What did we learn from this trip to Disneyland?
...

..

.
absolutely nothing...except that I wish Mickey had been one of my co counselors

On Monday I officially reached Celebrity Status

2009-08-22T20:58:00.000-07:00

This last week a bunch of EFY counselors (roughly 65) took our annual trip to Disneyland to celebrate 12 successful weeks of youth camp. I use the term 'successful' because after 12 straight weeks of poorly fitting polos, uncrustable lunches, classes in tents, passion patrol, lock down, and swine flu...Nobody Died!! SUCCESS!

My first night at the luxurious Del Sol Motel, strategically placed across the street from Disneyland proved to be the greatest trial of our 'success', if you will, in that it almost tainted our 12 week 'no one died' streak. Around 3 am I woke up in my make shift bed (2 comforters and 2 pillows which Breanna and I shared on the floor) feeling nine shades of nasty. I was breathing like a pregnant woman during Lamaze class-trying not to throw up on the motel floor (though I'm sure worse things have happened). Ten minutes later I found myself laying on the bathroom floor. Thinking I had food poisoning I realized I had eaten In-n-Out earlier that evening. In-n-Out and I have a certain 'love affair' if you will. Relationships are all about give and take. I give In-n-Out my money...and In-n-Out gives me 1,000 extra calories. At the point of nausea I being thinking that my relationship with this fast food phenomenon is a rather unhealthy one. I give In-n-Out my love and it takes me life! I never thought anyone could die from unrequited love.

I realize an hour later that I'm dizzy and slipping in and out of consciousness. In the morning my roommates will find my lifeless body sprawled over our luxurious 4'x5' bathroom. As I prepare for my fate I begin thinking, "This is not how I planned to die." THEN IT HITS ME!!
WHAT MORE COULD I WANT OUT OF MY DEATH?

Recap:
1) I'm in a motel near the Greater LA area
2) I'm lying on the bathroom floor
3) I have overdosed on In-n-Out

My death will have all the ingredients to reach rockstar-status! People will line up outside the Del Sol Inn in a candle-light vigil, this little no-name motel will now be on Hollywood maps, My face will be in the newspaper, E! will set aside an entire Saturday just to replay the E! True Hollywood Story of Maggie Ward, and people will say, "She was a a good person...had a slight addiction to In-n-Out...but who doesn't these days?"

I WAS MEANT TO DIE LIKE THIS! if you don't believe me just look at the comparison to one of my high school plays...Foreshadowing? Talk about total cosmic convergance

At this point I begin working myself into the pose of all poses. Knowing a picture of my dead body will be plastered all over People Magazine I elevate one leg onto the bath tub, turn my hips 60 degrees, lift one arm above my head resting it on the tile floor under the toilet, and arch my head back in a truly dramatic stance. I begin to wonder if what I'm wearing will go well with yellow CAUTION tape...but realize it's too late now for wardrobe changes...and maybe my picture will be in black and white anyway...like one of those old 1950's crime scene pictures. I begin to slip and I think, "This is it!"

....four hours later Breanna knocks on the bathroom door waking me up, and says, "Maggie? What are you doing?"....

Whatever! Atleast next time I can plan for the Ritz-Carlton

One time I wound up in Central Park

2009-08-15T14:39:00.000-07:00

Approximately five weeks ago I left Phoenix for the Mormon Mecca of Provo. My trip was to last three weeks, however five weeks later I still had not returned....I was in New York City. To skip all the tourist stories I'll cut right to the chase and explain some of my favorite parts of my trip.

On Monday I had a few hours before I needed to meet Eric from Deloitte. Since I was to meet him downtown, I decided to take a stroll down Wall St. I ran into a public bathroom and changed into a black pencil skirt and a silk blouse. While walking out, a man told me, "Wow, you look beautiful!" I thought about this for a moment...A man on Wall St. told me I was beautiful! Would now be an appropriate time to mention that I think he was a bum? Most people might think this story has now lost all its value-On the contrary my friends-and this is why. I beleive this man was pan-handling, aka working (depending upon which political part you are a member of). Through transitive properties I can now claim, 'A man who works on Wall St. told me I was beautiful...TRUE STORY!!'

After passing the aforementioned man on the street, and now with a new found confidence in my stride I arrived to this lovely history gem. At first glance it just looks like the Statue of George Washington in front of the Federal Hall...

However, upon further inspection I saw these little gremlins. I first saw them while passing a glass department store window. Here the little sprites have appeared again. I wanted to pass them off as another weird thing to see in NYC...but then I thought of a family vacation I once took as a child to Hearst Castle. For those of you unfamiliar with Hearst Castle, it is the estate of the famous William Randolph Hearst, American Newspaper Magnate of the early 20th century. Back in his day he was known to have exotic animals roaming his 40,000 acre palatial ranch. So I thought...Hearst lived in New York for a good portion of his life...he was wealthy and successful. I came to this conclusion- These little creatures are the modern zoo animals to the gates of Wall street-a true necessity for every present-day Pulitzer.

It wouldn't be a true experience for me if I didn't embarrass myself atleast once. I had no worries of faring the treacheries of the subway and downtown Manhattan in stilletos. As my friends Calli and Traci would say, "We no longer fear hell...we've worked RETAIL!" What I didn't consider was all the little grates and holes on the street...and the number it would do on my BCBG's. By the time I arrived at Vesey St I had already lost the stud on the bottom of my left heel, revealing the tiny metal gold screw. The great thing is i now made clicking noises when I walked across the tile flooring. I'd love to say that was the end of it but OF COURSE it wasn't! I met up with Eric (who, keep in mind i'd never met before) and while hopping on the escalator, my heel got caught in the grating and my shoe came off. Only problem is once i lost my shoe, the escalator kept taking me up and I couldn't go back and get my shoe! Luckily a lady behind me grabbed it and gave it ot me. Talk about wicked first impressions! Truly one of those moments when I thought, "Oh my gosh, I'm an absolutely fool....but I can't WAIT to tell everyone about this later!"

In closing, it was a lovely trip. I met a lot of new people and had a better feel for the city as well as accounting firms. This trip gets an A+