Sunday, December 27, 2009

"Maggie, you can make more money by saying "I do" than you can by working your whole life" - Parker Moffat

This Christmas I was talking to my dear friend Parker Moffat who has been known to provide good advice. He's like my own personal life coach. He provides me with insight to life. When I came back from New York one time, I mentioned that I had dinner with a guy I'd met at Grand Central which Parker so morally/sarcastically responded, "Did you sleep with him?" "NO! obviously not!" I replied. Then Parker imparted upon me this little gem of knowledge, "Mags, hasn't anyone ever told you? You're not gonna get anywhere in life until you start sleeping around"

For those of you unfamiliar with Parker....he was kidding! However, I don't think he was kidding two nights ago when he told me, "Mags, you can make more money saying 'I do' than you can in a lifetime of working!"

The other week my 'Dearest McKay' was informing me that he had given his sister Jordan similar advice recently.

Clearly my sister Kate and her husband Geoff had the same thought when they picked this little trinket up for me. Merry Christmas Mags!!!

To fully appreciate this piggy bank, allow me to explain to you what it says...

-On the fine print, the woman in the red dress is saying, "Are you sexually attracted to money?

-The top of the tin, where the opening is, says, "Dream Big"

-And the back of the tin says this...

"Of course you can't go out and buy a man. But, darling, you can certainly go out and buy the trappings to attract one. A rich husband is the best investment you'll ever make, but don't fool yourself - it's going to cost an arm and a leg to get him so you'd better start savin' up. And you'd better get to work

"First step? Dust yourself off. Get your hair styled. Get a manicure. Then splurge and pick out a fabulously flattering wardrobe. Don't forget finishing school, language lessons, and a membership at the best country club...where your chances are sky high to find true love.

"A life of monogrammed sheets, chauffeur-driven cars, pool staff, private jets, and passion awaits you. Why don't you make today the first day of the rest of your life?

"Happy Husband Hunting!"

---Merry Christmas to all...and to all a rich husband!

Thursday, December 24, 2009

Dee Snider is a better investment

This last December 1st....was my birthday. In case you forgot (Though odds are you had three notifications 1. facebook, 2. your phone calendar, 3. your impeccable memory which allows you to remember the birthdays of your favorite people) I turned 21 this month. So to celebrate, I had a fabulous Tuesday, filled with friends and family birthday wishes. That Friday at my apartment was the 1988 themed (great year to be born!) dance party.

I thought about buying wine...and cooking with it...until all the alcohol burned out. Then I remembered that I hate that was a terrible idea. So the only thing left to do was to go to Vegas with Joscelyn after finals to celebrate my legality. Before this could take place, however, I first had to complete finals. Jo and I told our friend Mike in Las Vegas that we would be down visiting so he decided to look up some shows for us to see. Three days before our trip Mike texts me, "Wanna go see Twisted Sister's Christmas Concert - A Twised Christmas"

What? Mike NO, I DO NOT want to see that creepy guy prance around in tights and makeup singing my favorite Christmas songs!

........OR DO I?

"Uh....YEAH MIKE! I totally want to see Twisted Sister!"

Thursday morning (the 17th) I completed my last final and was on my way to return my books to the BYU bookstore to see if they had any fun sized snickers bars for me as they tell me, "We're not buying this one back this year" aka. they came out with the 9th edition...which is exactly the same as the 8th edition except for the new pictures on pg. 354, 267, and 874. Of course!

Well, expecting to received a significantly low return on my books, I brace myself for bad news...but nothing could have prepared me for THIS! I spent just a little over $400 this semester on books. . .and my return?

. . .
. . .
. . .
. . .

You might be asking yourself, "Maggie? how did you cope with this?"

EASY! i went to Vegas, and gambled ALL of it in hopes of proving that I could lose less money gambling than I could buying books from the bookstore!

Joscelyn picked me up (snickers bar in hand) outside the Wilk Center and we departed for Vegas!

Can we take a moment to talk about this guy? I'm pretty sure I'm in love with Twisted Sister.

And by the way, I figured out why Twisted Sister was so successful during my 2 hours stay at the Hilton theater in Las Vegas. I learned in my marketing class this last semester that people buy products to fulfill a certain need.

What does every adolescent boy and girl want? to feel important! Solution-Every high school boy looks at Dee Snider and thinks, "Well my girlfriend might look horrible without make up, but she's better looking with it on than He I must have done something right." Additionally, I'm looking at Dee thinking, "That journalist from London WAS right! He DOES look like Sarah Jessica Parker dipped in a vat of acid! Wow, comparatively I feel REALLY HOT right now!"

This is me and Jo having the time of our lives at Twisted Sister....along with all the other 40 year olds in leather jackets and fishnets.

On our way out I gambled $1 on slots and $5 on black jack. (It's hard to gamble $5.50, so I rounded up) I walked away with ......... $5!!!!!

In conclusion
I lost 98.6% of my initial investment at the BYU bookstore
I lost 16.6% of my initial investment gambling in Vegas

--> Books at the Bookstore are the WORST investment of my life!