Sunday, December 27, 2009

"Maggie, you can make more money by saying "I do" than you can by working your whole life" - Parker Moffat

This Christmas I was talking to my dear friend Parker Moffat who has been known to provide good advice. He's like my own personal life coach. He provides me with insight to life. When I came back from New York one time, I mentioned that I had dinner with a guy I'd met at Grand Central which Parker so morally/sarcastically responded, "Did you sleep with him?" "NO! obviously not!" I replied. Then Parker imparted upon me this little gem of knowledge, "Mags, hasn't anyone ever told you? You're not gonna get anywhere in life until you start sleeping around"

For those of you unfamiliar with Parker....he was kidding! However, I don't think he was kidding two nights ago when he told me, "Mags, you can make more money saying 'I do' than you can in a lifetime of working!"

The other week my 'Dearest McKay' was informing me that he had given his sister Jordan similar advice recently.

Clearly my sister Kate and her husband Geoff had the same thought when they picked this little trinket up for me. Merry Christmas Mags!!!

To fully appreciate this piggy bank, allow me to explain to you what it says...

-On the fine print, the woman in the red dress is saying, "Are you sexually attracted to money?

-The top of the tin, where the opening is, says, "Dream Big"

-And the back of the tin says this...

"Of course you can't go out and buy a man. But, darling, you can certainly go out and buy the trappings to attract one. A rich husband is the best investment you'll ever make, but don't fool yourself - it's going to cost an arm and a leg to get him so you'd better start savin' up. And you'd better get to work

"First step? Dust yourself off. Get your hair styled. Get a manicure. Then splurge and pick out a fabulously flattering wardrobe. Don't forget finishing school, language lessons, and a membership at the best country club...where your chances are sky high to find true love.

"A life of monogrammed sheets, chauffeur-driven cars, pool staff, private jets, and passion awaits you. Why don't you make today the first day of the rest of your life?

"Happy Husband Hunting!"

---Merry Christmas to all...and to all a rich husband!

Thursday, December 24, 2009

Dee Snider is a better investment

This last December 1st....was my birthday. In case you forgot (Though odds are you had three notifications 1. facebook, 2. your phone calendar, 3. your impeccable memory which allows you to remember the birthdays of your favorite people) I turned 21 this month. So to celebrate, I had a fabulous Tuesday, filled with friends and family birthday wishes. That Friday at my apartment was the 1988 themed (great year to be born!) dance party.

I thought about buying wine...and cooking with it...until all the alcohol burned out. Then I remembered that I hate that was a terrible idea. So the only thing left to do was to go to Vegas with Joscelyn after finals to celebrate my legality. Before this could take place, however, I first had to complete finals. Jo and I told our friend Mike in Las Vegas that we would be down visiting so he decided to look up some shows for us to see. Three days before our trip Mike texts me, "Wanna go see Twisted Sister's Christmas Concert - A Twised Christmas"

What? Mike NO, I DO NOT want to see that creepy guy prance around in tights and makeup singing my favorite Christmas songs!

........OR DO I?

"Uh....YEAH MIKE! I totally want to see Twisted Sister!"

Thursday morning (the 17th) I completed my last final and was on my way to return my books to the BYU bookstore to see if they had any fun sized snickers bars for me as they tell me, "We're not buying this one back this year" aka. they came out with the 9th edition...which is exactly the same as the 8th edition except for the new pictures on pg. 354, 267, and 874. Of course!

Well, expecting to received a significantly low return on my books, I brace myself for bad news...but nothing could have prepared me for THIS! I spent just a little over $400 this semester on books. . .and my return?

. . .
. . .
. . .
. . .

You might be asking yourself, "Maggie? how did you cope with this?"

EASY! i went to Vegas, and gambled ALL of it in hopes of proving that I could lose less money gambling than I could buying books from the bookstore!

Joscelyn picked me up (snickers bar in hand) outside the Wilk Center and we departed for Vegas!

Can we take a moment to talk about this guy? I'm pretty sure I'm in love with Twisted Sister.

And by the way, I figured out why Twisted Sister was so successful during my 2 hours stay at the Hilton theater in Las Vegas. I learned in my marketing class this last semester that people buy products to fulfill a certain need.

What does every adolescent boy and girl want? to feel important! Solution-Every high school boy looks at Dee Snider and thinks, "Well my girlfriend might look horrible without make up, but she's better looking with it on than He I must have done something right." Additionally, I'm looking at Dee thinking, "That journalist from London WAS right! He DOES look like Sarah Jessica Parker dipped in a vat of acid! Wow, comparatively I feel REALLY HOT right now!"

This is me and Jo having the time of our lives at Twisted Sister....along with all the other 40 year olds in leather jackets and fishnets.

On our way out I gambled $1 on slots and $5 on black jack. (It's hard to gamble $5.50, so I rounded up) I walked away with ......... $5!!!!!

In conclusion
I lost 98.6% of my initial investment at the BYU bookstore
I lost 16.6% of my initial investment gambling in Vegas

--> Books at the Bookstore are the WORST investment of my life!

Sunday, November 15, 2009

Mango Sorbet can be better than Men

I'm sorry it has been so long since my last post! I have had several complaints lately that I have not updated my blog. Truth is...I have about 4 posts in the making. none of them are finished yet. so expect great things!

However, today I had an epiphany. You know one of those rare moments when I find sense in the jumbled crap that goes on in my head. So my Epiphany! I was thinking this morning about hedging risk and financial derivatives etc. the usual thoughts of an accounting major moving to New York to work in financial services auditing, and I realized something. I have been hedging risk since I turned 16! This is the how and why...

I realized I have a nac for making guys feel extremely awkward. The following doorstep scene is not an entirely uncommon occurrence...

Him: "Well, have a good night, thanks for coming with me tonight"

Me: "Oh of course, it was fun!"

(Insert awkward silence where he looks like he's going to kiss me)

(Insert bubble caption of how I feel (this is a comic book scene I'm describing apparently)

-It's around this time he decides to kiss me

-It's also about this time where I allow myself to express my deepest inner thoughts.

Me: "Every year I try to hold off getting excited for Christmas...this year I made it to the fact that it's October and I'm secretly listening to Christmas music in my room late at night is really a huge success for me don't you think?"

Him: "That's amazing Maggie Ward...are we seriously talking about this right NOW?"

-This part is now followed by the two week silence of my phone representative of him never calling me again.

***In short***
My first kiss I kept laughing because I was uncomfortable and then I walked inside my house and locked the guy outside without saying anything. (He, surprisingly, did call me back however). My point is this...I LOVE Mango Sorbet! Solution! Hedge your dating risk with Mango sorbet!

Me: "What do you think the likelihood ____ is going to ask me out again?"

Joscelyn/Calli/Traci: "Pretty good"

Me: "Can you quantify that please?"

J/C/T: "umm...85%?" (Joscelyn now gives me a standard deviation too-she understands me)

Me: "Oh that's pretty high. So you wanna bet on it? If he takes me out again I'll buy you Mango sorbet, but if he doesn't you owe me."

J/C /T: "Why do you always bet against yourself?"

Me: "Because this way if he never calls me again I still get sorbet out of it"


Long and short:
1) I was made to work with Financial instruments
2) I like to quantify my dating life
3) I love Mango Sorbet
4) If you happen to work in finance, find my awkward quirks charming, and would like to bring me some mango sorbet...I may just marry you.

Friday, October 9, 2009

This is the worst fairy tale ever!

Every girl dreams of growing up and living a fairy tale life. In the mind of every five year old, she truly believes she will grow up, become a princess, have beautiful flowing hair, wear amazing designer ball gowns (ok maybe the designer part is an adaptation as i have grown up), speak squirrel/have forest animal friends, meet a handsome prince (not to mention usually silent-have you ever noticed this? coincidence? I think not. I am convinced half of my relationships would have lasted much longer if he'd just kept his mouth shut more often-except, of course, when singing about how much he adores me), live in a mansion, and live happily ever after.

Upon entering my new apartment this fall I stumbled upon this little trinket of furniture...Someone please explain to me what this is? Joscelyn walked in my room shortly after arriving and asked me, "Maggie..what is that?" I thought for a short time before a childhood memory came to me and horror flashed across my face. I responded, "I'm not entirely sure of its name...but I'm almost certain that if I use it...Rumpelstiltsken will come after me!" Don't remember that story? Here's a refresher course.

I find myself currious as I begin to think about what he must be like. Will I be breaking honor code if he lives here? But I feel like the possibility of a medeival dwarf dwelling in my apartment is kinda rad.

-"Maggie is that a hairless dog or just an oversized rat?"

-"Oh neither, just Rumpelstiltsken my house gnome. Sometimes we dress him up for seasons you know? like Christmas time we'll probably put him out on our balcony as a midget Santa or something. During Halloween we like to dress him up as a miniature Satan and he growls at little kids and chases them around the block. Then he brings back their candy...and it's a smorgasbord for the next three weeks. He's funny like that. Every so often he cleans my room and does my homework for me too. We're pretty much besties. I think next week I might get him a cute little pink cable knit sweater from J.Crew and carry him around in my purse. We try to coordinate outfits as much as possible."

My daydreaming is cut short, however, as I arrive to purchase my accounting books later that week. I think back to 4 months prior...when I was returning my old accounting books. I should rephrase that. I wasn't returning my books...I was dragging my books to the bookstore so they could tell me they'd "Filled their quota on THAT ONE!" oh and "THAT ONE"...but..."Here's a fun-size Snickers bar with a thick chocolate coating to line your esophagus as you try to swallow the fact that four months ago you didn't purchase text purchased the most expensive snickers bar of your life. And now you're out $400...but you get to keep your outdated Finance book! (enter cheesy, neck straining smile of fake tanned, bump-it haired, bad bottle blonde, bookstore employee here)" I love BYU!

I walk the long long isles of the bookstore and the glean off the lenolium flooring is making me nauseated. I grab my books and head to get in line. As I approach the counter, each beep from the scanner feels like a stab wound. Afforementioned bookstore employee (who I've missed so much this entire summer) perks up and says, "That'll be $524.93!" I'm not sure...but I think Rumpelstiltsken is a Manager at the book store because I swear she just asked me to sign away my first born son! What has happened to BYU? No wonder they want everyone here to get married? Maybe if I don't get married until I live far, far away, Rumpy will never come to collect. I pay for my books and drag my books out of the bookstore.

As I leave I find I have a new found resolve to never get married at BYU...

....and two pens I stole out of the cup holder after signing my receipt.

Saturday, August 29, 2009

Hidden Mickeys and Jane Austen

After cheating death aka not dying on the bathroom floor at the luxurious del sol motel...I realized it was fate that brought my to Disneyland with my fellow EFY counselors.

But truth is, after about 2 hours of 'staying with the group' Mckay and I (co's week 9) decided to venture off on our own. shortly there after we were joined by Breanna (co's week 8) and Jared (co's week 10). In our little group of glee we began to experience Disneyland the way it was meant to be experienced...without 61 other EFY counselors singing disney songs in an hour long line.
But then something else struck a nerve!!!
What do you get when you cross 65 EFY counselors and Disneyland? Hidden mickeys!! If you don't believe me there's a mathematical proof I can show you to prove it is...

Can't see it? That's because it's HIDDEN! like all the mickeys in Disneyland-after all it is a magical place. but if you still don't beleive me...with the help of Jane Austen I would like to explain to you legend of 'hidden mickeys'

"IT is a truth universally acknowledged, that a single efy counselor in possession of ample time must be in want of excitement.

However little known the truth or actuality of such a destination on first entering a fantasyland, this desire is so well fixed in the minds of the counselors, that Disneyland is considered as the rightful property of some one or other of their imaginations.

``My dear co-counselor,'' said his COW(crush of the week) to him one day, ``have you heard that on every ride at Disneyland, there are Hidden Mickey shapes?''

The Co-counselor replied that he had not.

``But it is true,'' returned she; ``for Eric D Stokes has just been here, and he told me all about it.''

The Co-counselor made no answer. (as she had been his COW three weeks prior and had now moved onto greener pastures)

``Do not you want to know where they are?'' cried the girl impatiently.

``You want to tell me, and I have no objection to hearing it.''

This was invitation enough. (But he 'should have said no' -regrets to Taylo Swift)

-Jane Austen (opening of Pride and Prejudice. 'bold' additions/improvements made by maggie ward)

*YES! there is a Hidden Mickey in Pirates-as you pass the stone wall where the pirates are shooting cannons, there is a hole in the wall in the shape of a mickey head.

*YES! there is also a Hidden Mickey in Pirates-when you pass the room with all the 'booty', a gold chest plate has a tiny mickey head in the center.

*YES! many of the other ones I heard that week were made up!

But it you can't beat them...join them. and this is exactly what the four of us did!

1) Did you know the Yetti from the Matterhorn yells 'Mickey is Tasty' in Finnish? (yes, I DID get a picture of this creature after my 5th ride).

2) Did you know that hidden mickeys are like cupids? and their very presence can evoke lustful emotions even on rides like 'Tower of Terror?' It's so powerful it even overcame Jared and Breanna who were supposed to be on 'passion patrol'

3) I bet you never would have caught this one! We can all thank Mckay for this gem. I almost passed this up.

4) You might be wondering...'why is this guy riding by himself?' He's not...Mickey is sitting next to him. Mckay and I are honoring his arrival as you can tell.

5) On Thursday Mckay and I took off for the beach. He fell asleep in this cumbersome bodily orientation (i tried to make my description of his position as awkward as the moment when I took this picture...did it work?) But he didn't roll over into this position on accident...oh no! He's just spooning with a hidden mickey.

6) At the conclusion of every evening... we wound down at Denny's. It appears nothing is out of mickey's sphere of influence.

7) This was a rather frightening one. While riding Big Thunder Mountain RailRoad...Mckay and I noted something odd about all the bird in the park. Did you know that Walt Disney was so OCD that he genetically engineered every bird to crap mickeys?! True story, ask Mckay it almost landed on his head.

8) I found this one! Took a keen eye to catch this beauty!

9) Jared noted that on California Soarin' the Fighter Jet's at the end....their exhaust? oh spells BRAIL!

10) Finally, on Space mountain the speakers are hidden mickeys! not because of their shape. oh no! because if you play the song backwards whilst wearing peter pan tights and an Indiana Jones says 'mickey, mickey, mickey'!" Thank you again Jared Anderson

What did we learn from this trip to Disneyland?


absolutely nothing...except that I wish Mickey had been one of my co counselors

Saturday, August 22, 2009

On Monday I officially reached Celebrity Status

This last week a bunch of EFY counselors (roughly 65) took our annual trip to Disneyland to celebrate 12 successful weeks of youth camp. I use the term 'successful' because after 12 straight weeks of poorly fitting polos, uncrustable lunches, classes in tents, passion patrol, lock down, and swine flu...Nobody Died!! SUCCESS!

My first night at the luxurious Del Sol Motel, strategically placed across the street from Disneyland proved to be the greatest trial of our 'success', if you will, in that it almost tainted our 12 week 'no one died' streak. Around 3 am I woke up in my make shift bed (2 comforters and 2 pillows which Breanna and I shared on the floor) feeling nine shades of nasty. I was breathing like a pregnant woman during Lamaze class-trying not to throw up on the motel floor (though I'm sure worse things have happened). Ten minutes later I found myself laying on the bathroom floor. Thinking I had food poisoning I realized I had eaten In-n-Out earlier that evening. In-n-Out and I have a certain 'love affair' if you will. Relationships are all about give and take. I give In-n-Out my money...and In-n-Out gives me 1,000 extra calories. At the point of nausea I being thinking that my relationship with this fast food phenomenon is a rather unhealthy one. I give In-n-Out my love and it takes me life! I never thought anyone could die from unrequited love.

I realize an hour later that I'm dizzy and slipping in and out of consciousness. In the morning my roommates will find my lifeless body sprawled over our luxurious 4'x5' bathroom. As I prepare for my fate I begin thinking, "This is not how I planned to die." THEN IT HITS ME!!

1) I'm in a motel near the Greater LA area
2) I'm lying on the bathroom floor
3) I have overdosed on In-n-Out

My death will have all the ingredients to reach rockstar-status! People will line up outside the Del Sol Inn in a candle-light vigil, this little no-name motel will now be on Hollywood maps, My face will be in the newspaper, E! will set aside an entire Saturday just to replay the E! True Hollywood Story of Maggie Ward, and people will say, "She was a a good person...had a slight addiction to In-n-Out...but who doesn't these days?"

I WAS MEANT TO DIE LIKE THIS! if you don't believe me just look at the comparison to one of my high school plays...Foreshadowing? Talk about total cosmic convergance

At this point I begin working myself into the pose of all poses. Knowing a picture of my dead body will be plastered all over People Magazine I elevate one leg onto the bath tub, turn my hips 60 degrees, lift one arm above my head resting it on the tile floor under the toilet, and arch my head back in a truly dramatic stance. I begin to wonder if what I'm wearing will go well with yellow CAUTION tape...but realize it's too late now for wardrobe changes...and maybe my picture will be in black and white one of those old 1950's crime scene pictures. I begin to slip and I think, "This is it!"

....four hours later Breanna knocks on the bathroom door waking me up, and says, "Maggie? What are you doing?"....

Whatever! Atleast next time I can plan for the Ritz-Carlton

Saturday, August 15, 2009

One time I wound up in Central Park

Approximately five weeks ago I left Phoenix for the Mormon Mecca of Provo. My trip was to last three weeks, however five weeks later I still had not returned....I was in New York City. To skip all the tourist stories I'll cut right to the chase and explain some of my favorite parts of my trip.

On Monday I had a few hours before I needed to meet Eric from Deloitte. Since I was to meet him downtown, I decided to take a stroll down Wall St. I ran into a public bathroom and changed into a black pencil skirt and a silk blouse. While walking out, a man told me, "Wow, you look beautiful!" I thought about this for a moment...A man on Wall St. told me I was beautiful! Would now be an appropriate time to mention that I think he was a bum? Most people might think this story has now lost all its value-On the contrary my friends-and this is why. I beleive this man was pan-handling, aka working (depending upon which political part you are a member of). Through transitive properties I can now claim, 'A man who works on Wall St. told me I was beautiful...TRUE STORY!!'

After passing the aforementioned man on the street, and now with a new found confidence in my stride I arrived to this lovely history gem. At first glance it just looks like the Statue of George Washington in front of the Federal Hall...

However, upon further inspection I saw these little gremlins. I first saw them while passing a glass department store window. Here the little sprites have appeared again. I wanted to pass them off as another weird thing to see in NYC...but then I thought of a family vacation I once took as a child to Hearst Castle. For those of you unfamiliar with Hearst Castle, it is the estate of the famous William Randolph Hearst, American Newspaper Magnate of the early 20th century. Back in his day he was known to have exotic animals roaming his 40,000 acre palatial ranch. So I thought...Hearst lived in New York for a good portion of his life...he was wealthy and successful. I came to this conclusion- These little creatures are the modern zoo animals to the gates of Wall street-a true necessity for every present-day Pulitzer.

It wouldn't be a true experience for me if I didn't embarrass myself atleast once. I had no worries of faring the treacheries of the subway and downtown Manhattan in stilletos. As my friends Calli and Traci would say, "We no longer fear hell...we've worked RETAIL!" What I didn't consider was all the little grates and holes on the street...and the number it would do on my BCBG's. By the time I arrived at Vesey St I had already lost the stud on the bottom of my left heel, revealing the tiny metal gold screw. The great thing is i now made clicking noises when I walked across the tile flooring. I'd love to say that was the end of it but OF COURSE it wasn't! I met up with Eric (who, keep in mind i'd never met before) and while hopping on the escalator, my heel got caught in the grating and my shoe came off. Only problem is once i lost my shoe, the escalator kept taking me up and I couldn't go back and get my shoe! Luckily a lady behind me grabbed it and gave it ot me. Talk about wicked first impressions! Truly one of those moments when I thought, "Oh my gosh, I'm an absolutely fool....but I can't WAIT to tell everyone about this later!"

In closing, it was a lovely trip. I met a lot of new people and had a better feel for the city as well as accounting firms. This trip gets an A+